"We have arrived,
again, at that festive time of year when the collective American consciousness warmly turns to thoughts of family."
My job as a social
worker and parent educator has me intensely focused on the concept of family —
every day. For the past couple of years I have been a group facilitator for the
Health Promotion Council's
12-week Focus on Families' REMix (Relationship Education in the Mix) healthy
relationship class at the Philadelphia Department of Human Services'
Achievement Reunification Center (ARC) in Center City.
Most of the
participants at the ARC are mandated to be there, but we have also conducted
groups with voluntary participants at other locations.
This represents, for
me, months and months of listening to the stories of the inner-workings of
numerous families and the varied relationships therein. Some of the stories were
unbelievably heartwarming; some of them were horrifying. All of the stories are
the stuff of ordinary lives.
Examining relationships in conflict
Couples who attend
the REMix class together offer particularly startling insights into the often
conflicting dynamics of close relationships between partners and between
parents and their children. With the REMix course, we hope to impart some
strategies to the families that they can use to improve their daily
interactions within those relationships.
For many of the
people taking the course, it is possibly the first time that they have heard
concrete examples of what constitutes normal, healthy relationships. Many of
them have endured crippling traumas in their lives that they, in turn, play out
in various forms in their dealings with their own mates and in their roles as
parents.
Our hope is to help
them more closely examine their lives and perhaps break some of their known
negative habits, or perhaps even those bad behavior patterns of which they may
not be aware.
My experience
teaching the REMix class has demonstrated one critical and undeniable fact to
me: the enduring importance of family to the healthy development of children
and adults. Many of the participants in our classes (mandated or not) are
confronting harsh relationship crises, and it is heartening to see how hard
people struggle to maintain their family units, no matter how tenuous their
bonds may be, or how they define family for themselves.
The issues these
families confront are not unique. They are often good people who may (or may
not) have made a mistake. Their plights suggest that we would all do well to
consider whether or not we are guilty of taking our families for granted.
However defined, the importance of
'family' endures
Very often, the class
participants tell me that they feel the other members of the group become like
family to them. The classroom setting is a sort of "laboratory family
experience" where they can collectively work on issues of communication,
values, conflict resolution, etc.
Our discussions
around family are sometimes quite emotional, which underscores the critical
nature of the subject. For so many of our participants, their legal troubles in
the Family Courts have forced them to examine more closely their family
connections, sometimes for the first time in their lives.
Whatever one feels
about the importance of family, it is clear that the definition of
"family" has morphed immeasurably in this country. The modern family
may not conform to traditional standards, but it remains somehow
"family" nonetheless. The idea is still relevant, and it still forms
the backbone of modern life — particularly for our children.
It is interesting to
see these REMix participants fight through their family traumas and (usually)
find a way to hold their family units together. It doesn't always work out
perfectly, but I do see many of them come to the realization that their
families are what they treasure most.
With all of the
unavoidable changes in this world, it is comforting for me to know that family
still matters.